This morning, we were supposed to be having a round of cards, aiming for a clean sweep right out the gate, but instead, you two old devils set me up and teamed up to mock me. Damn it all, if I can’t afford to provoke this Liu Dashao, can’t I at least avoid him?

With that thought, Liu Dashao decided he wouldn't waste any more time with these two grumpy old men. He shuffled out in his slippers, humming the tune that had just blasted from the loudspeaker, and headed toward the edge of the village. It wasn’t deserted there; Old Zhang’s wife and her grown daughter, Lingzi, were huddled with Li Xiaoyan, the daughter of Old Li whom he quite fancied. They were gathered in a tight circle, speaking with an air of intense seriousness about some secret intelligence.

Wait a minute, didn't the Kuomintang all get chased off to Taiwan? What kind of clandestine operations are these women cooking up? Could they be spies sent by the 'Peanut' faction to scout our village’s military secrets? A ridiculous notion suddenly popped into Liu Dashao’s head, but he quickly dismissed it. To hell with it—what intelligence could possibly be worth stealing from our ramshackle village? So, what were they doing? Driven by pure curiosity, Liu Dashao tiptoed quietly, edging closer to the group of women, straining his ears and focusing intently.

Oh! They were discussing how someone’s sow had just given birth to seven piglets...

A cold sweat trickled down the sides of Liu Dashao’s temples. Truly, three women make a show, and four women make a week-long shadow-puppet performance. Seven piglets in one litter? That’s bull—she must be a sow herself.

So, Liu Dashao blew some dust off himself and, using the pretext of kinship, casually drifted over to Li Xiaoyan's side, saying, "That's incredible! She can really pop them out! Shouldn't she be on TV by now?"

Old Zhang's wife glanced up when she saw Liu Dashao, then noticed his slightly lecherous posture leaning toward Li Xiaoyan, and shot him a look as sharp as a viper’s fang: "Why the fuss? Seven is nothing! Guess how many her sow had last year? Eight!"

Now Liu Dashao understood. They were indeed talking about that old sow of theirs that loved to mate every year. Ugh! These women really have too much time on their hands if they’re chatting about the family pig until it becomes a common topic. Normally, Liu Dashao would never bother greeting Old Zhang's wife; this woman could talk for days. Once, on her way to buy Chinese cabbage at the neighboring market, she ran into another elderly gossip, and they struck up a conversation. The scene was magnificent—they chatted from sunrise until sunset. Her family thought, Where did she go? Has she been lost? They even came out to search, only to find her still yammering away, basket untouched, no cabbage bought yet! But today was different; after all, the girl he admired was sitting right there. With about ten minutes left before noon, it was the perfect window to foster some friendly intimacy. Liu Dashao shifted even closer to Yanzi and began to weave himself into their conversation casually.

Yanzi was indeed known throughout the village as a stunning girl. Her face was fair and spotless, her eyes clear and bright. When she smiled, her lips curved like a tranquil crescent moon, and when she spoke, her voice was as melodious as a warbler’s call. She was about the same age as Liu Dashao, perhaps eleven or twelve, but looking up along the graceful curves of her slender figure, Liu Dashao’s expert eye—an eye more expert than any specialist’s—immediately assessed that the girl was beginning to develop. Though her chest wasn't yet high and proud, there was definitely a noticeable upward surge.

As the saying goes, one is influenced by one’s company. Our Liu Dashao used to be quite innocent and well-behaved. (Barf...) But ever since meeting Dunzi, Little Pockmark, and Tian Guoqiang—those three scoundrels—he’d been corrupted by their constant influence, unintentionally picking up their bad habits. (We’re innocent! This kid taught himself everything, weep the three bad friends.)

To be perfectly honest, one thing was definitely true: Liu Dashao used to only look at women’s eyes, never daring to look at their chests.

But once he started school, that fellow Dunzi was constantly setting traps near Liu Dashao’s ear: There’s no market for honest men in this world. Isn't there a saying—isn't it great to be a woman? If you don't look, how will you ever know how great they are?

Slowly, Liu Dashao began to ‘change.’ Slowly, he started to examine the scenery around him with an 'appreciative' gaze.

Since his crush was right there beside him, Liu Dashao immediately launched into a torrent of sweet talk, desperate to unleash every bit of eloquence he possessed, hoping to astound her into admiration.

“Hey, Yanzi, you’re growing more beautiful by the day. Just a few years ago, your nose was runny and messy, and now you’ve blossomed into a great beauty, just like a movie star! Even a fairy from heaven couldn't look as good as you. I’ll talk to your mother about a dowry soon and try to get her to give you to me as a wife!”

Girls are naturally shy. As soon as he said this, even though a tiny, inexplicable spark of hope flickered in her heart, her expression and movements clearly became restrained. Her face flushed red, and she pinched Liu Dashao’s thigh. She perfectly embodied the line from Li Qingzhao: Leaning by the gate, I turned my head back, only to smell the green plums.

“Just go away! Who would ever take you as a husband!”

“Haha…” Liu Dashao, being worldly-wise, knew right away this meant there was hope.

“Hmph, Dog-Dashao is just Dog-Dashao, a toad really thinking he can eat swan meat!” Whether she genuinely cared for Yanzi or was reacting to the intense psychological gap stemming from her own inability to find a husband while her close friend attracted so much attention, transforming into stark jealousy, the usually silent Zhang Ling, her face dark, finally fired a sarcastic shot at Liu Dashao.

“Don’t you even look in a mirror to see what you look like before you start eyeing our Yanzi. I say, you’re only good enough to pair up with the sow at Sister-in-law’s house.”

Her words were truly cutting, showing Liu Dashao absolutely no respect. This caused both Zhang’s wife and Li Xiaoyan to cover their mouths, bending over and laughing until their stomachs hurt.

Damn it, should I find a fortune teller later to cast my hexes? Not only was I humiliated by those two old hacks right after leaving home, but now even the old shrew who has been rejected by Pigsy [Zhu Bajie reference] is picking a fight with me! Liu Dashao muttered under his breath, but he wasn't someone to be trifled with either. His eyes darted around, and a wicked idea struck him. He deliberately spoke loudly: “Oh, Lingzi, why are you always going against me today? Don’t tell me you’ve taken a liking to me? Trying to get my attention?”

“Go to hell, go to hell! Shameless! I’m still a young girl, so embarrassing, so shy!” Zhang Ling shrieked, then, puffing out her cheeks, she mimicked Yanzi’s earlier action and fiercely pinched Liu Dashao’s thigh again. However, the comparison between the two pinches was like heaven and hell. The young couple’s pinch was painful affection; this one felt like harassment. Why was an old spinster getting involved? Especially when she deliberately covered her large, pockmarked face with her hand, feigning bashfulness, Liu Dashao completely deflated. It wasn't just his balls that hurt; it felt like they’d been pulverized! It was like a massive hippopotamus wearing sexy lingerie, blushing furiously, telling you, Darling, I desire you. This sight instantly made Liu Dashao feel an overwhelming urge to vomit up everything he had eaten today, yesterday, and the day before yesterday, out to a distance of two miles.

“Alright, alright, I’m afraid of you…” Liu Dashao whined, pulling a face like a wilted gourd and waving his hands repeatedly. He really couldn’t handle this kind of affection; it might even be life-threatening...

“Heh heh, that’s just how he is. It would be strange if he wasn’t acting up one day! But the young man is quite capable in his dealings, worthy of having seen the world. My Xiangqian was praising you yesterday for treating his injury,” Ma’s wife tugged gently at Ma Ling’s hand, clearly used to it, though a flicker of gratitude crossed her face. In the countryside, the man is the pillar of the home; if the pillar injures his lower back and can’t work, the whole structure collapses. Having his injury healed naturally earned genuine gratitude.

“It’s nothing, nothing, we’re neighbors, why be so polite, Auntie. How is Uncle Ma’s twisted back recovering now? Should I take another look?” Liu Dashao said with a plastered smile, though his mind was thinking: Best not, I’m in a hurry to get to cards.

“Oh, no need, no need, he’s almost completely recovered,” Ma’s wife replied quickly with a smile.

“That’s good. Please remind him, Auntie, just tell Uncle Ma not to be lazy. Tell him the most he should carry at one time when chopping firewood is four bundles. Carrying eight bundles at once will bring down even an iron body,” Liu Dashao declared with the air of a seasoned physician. As for where he got his medical skills, they were passed down through a single line: his great-grandfather and grandfather were both renowned barefoot doctors in the area, possessing many traditional folk remedies. However, his father had no interest in the practice, claiming being a doctor couldn't support a family, so he stopped learning. Fortunately, those prescriptions were still sitting untouched at home. Liu Dashao, bored as a child, flipped through them like picture books daily, and bit by bit, he picked up a couple of tricks. Treating an acute lower back sprain was simple: just prick the injured spot with a plum blossom needle technique, apply cupping to draw out the blood stagnation, and a few days of rest would guarantee recovery. Thus, Liu Dashao was quite confident about this.

“Alright, I’ll remember that. It’s almost twelve. Lingzi and I will head back now. You two can chat a little longer! We won’t disturb you,” Ma’s wife said. When she mentioned disturbing them, she glanced at Li Xiaoyan and deliberately gave Liu Dashao an ambiguous look, as if to say: Kid, go for it!

“That would be wonderful! Auntie really knows me; you’re practically my inner thoughts!” Liu Dashao laughed.

Over there, Li Xiaoyan pouted, “Hmph, who wants to talk to him? I can’t be bothered; he has such a foul mouth and always tries to take advantage of people!”

“Hey, you little brat, who always takes advantage? I picked up a piece of candy that day and even gave it to your little brother to eat!” Liu Dashao recited his list of good deeds.

“Which day?” Li Xiaoyan looked confused for a moment, then her delicate eyebrows shot up: “Hey! My little brother was sick with a stomachache the day before yesterday. Was it from the candy you gave him?”

“No way?” Liu Dashao rubbed his smooth chin. “Even though I picked it up near the stinking ditch, I remember wiping it clean!”

“What?” Li Xiaoyan, who doted on her younger brother, finally broke through her reserve and exploded. It’s usually the case that such demure, gentle girls don't get angry, but once they do, they are trickier than ghosts. Seeing the tide turning against him, the careless Liu Dashao immediately bolted.

“Don’t run!”

“Liu Dashao, stop right there! Stop!” Li Xiaoyan yanked off her cloth shoes and hurled them fiercely at his retreating back.

“Ouch!” A short, sharp cry echoed from a distance. However, after taking one hit, Liu Dashao’s running speed instantly doubled, and within seconds, he vanished without a trace.