"Boss, the job's done. That girl and her grandpa are safe. I grabbed this thing of yours while I was at it."

I opened my eyes and saw Taozi was holding the golden scepter I’d lent to He Yuqing for her grandfather’s appraisal.

"Did you steal that back for them? How am I supposed to explain this to He Yuqing?"

"Wrong!" Taozi countered. "The question is how she will explain herself to you. Did you know their troubles started because of this golden scepter? A group of antique dealers set a trap for He Yuqing’s grandfather and then threatened her into handing over the scepter. But after they saw how beautiful He Yuqing was, they got wicked ideas. Little did they expect that when He Yuqing went to the restroom to relieve herself, she’d run into you two in the **— and thus saved two lives. I didn't alarm them; I took this scepter directly from the dealers. He Yuqing doesn't know; she'll just assume the dealers took it. Just wait and see how she explains herself to you."

The scepter wasn't long; it was merely a symbol of authority, but its craftsmanship was exquisite, topped with a dazzling white diamond. Its value was certainly not negligible. With He Yuqing’s income as a supermarket cashier, it might take her three lifetimes to repay it.

I started to consider asking Taozi to return the item to He Yuqing, to save her from trouble over this matter. But in the end, I gave up the idea because I desperately wanted to see how He Yuqing would handle the situation. After all, at Li Qi’s place that night, she was clearly displeased with the relationship between Li Qi and me. Perhaps this would serve as a small punishment for her.

Taozi glanced at Fang Yanmeng and said to me, "Your wife is **ing. Her little mounds are showing."

I looked over at Fang Yanmeng. She certainly slept restlessly; I didn't know when she had kicked the blanket aside, lying next to me with her ** exposed. There were still marks on her delicate ** from where I had held her. After getting home, Fang Yanmeng was eager and we had a huge session; she even tried playing with R-sex, mimicking Yi Xiaorou and the others. Of course, the effect she achieved was far inferior, but aside from her little **, every other part of Fang Yanmeng’s body had been explored by me.

"You’re a cat, not a person. You got lucky just to look," I scoffed.

"Pah! Boss, do you think I’m like you? I wouldn’t bother looking."

Fang Yanmeng blinked open her eyes sleepily.

"Kitty, be good and let me hold you while we sleep." Saying this, Fang Yanmeng pulled Taozi into her embrace and drifted back to sleep.

"Help! I’m terrified of women’s **!" Taozi struggled free and bolted out of the room.

Fang Yanmeng pulled me back in an instant. "Husband, kiss my **. That way I’ll sleep even better."

We slept late until nine in the morning, only to be jolted awake by a frantic cell phone ring. Fang Yanmeng had left at some point. I fumbled for the phone, answered without looking, and heard:

"Husband, you have to come save me quickly!"

I was still groggy and couldn't tell which of my wives was calling.

"Which wife are you? State your name first."

"Hmph, after we finished in the restroom last night, you’re trying to ditch me!"

"Qianqian? I haven't even woken up properly yet. What is it? Were you captured? Impossible, I instructed Taozi to protect you two."

Ouyang Qian snapped, "Who said I was captured? Hurry up and bring people over to participate in the condom distribution! Otherwise, you’re going to be in deep trouble this time, Wife. Li Qi gave me a hard quota: we must distribute one thousand boxes of condoms and three hundred boxes of contraceptive films to male and female students today, or she’ll discipline me."

What the heck? I knew about Butuo (fake buyers for cloth goods) and Zixituo (fake buyers for socks), and I’d even encountered Bietuo (fake buyers for clams) and Yutuo (fake buyers for fish), but I’d never heard of condom tuo! Can’t these women just stick together? If it really comes down to it, I’ll take all one thousand boxes of condoms myself. It shouldn't be hard to use ten or eight a day.

"How about I call Li Qi and ask her to calm down? Everyone's a bit thin-skinned. They might be having sex with their girlfriends every day, but they’d rather run naked through the campus than claim free condoms. Wouldn't that be announcing to the entire student body that they have loose morals?"

"Li Qi probably has no choice in this. Too many girls got pregnant last semester, so the school has to strictly enforce this. Otherwise, if news got out, Longteng University’s reputation would suffer, affecting admissions."

"I’ll be there in a moment. Keep things under control for now. I'll call people over immediately to claim the condoms."

Ouyang Qian blew a kiss into the phone. "I knew my husband wouldn't abandon me in my time of need. I’ll wait for you."

As I was getting dressed, I pondered who to call to warm up the crowd. Xu Hu and Chen Chao were must-haves; they got a good deal when buying their computers, and now it was time to pay up. But besides them, I didn't know any other guys. I knew Chen Tianqiao, but there was no way he’d listen to me. He probably hates me right now. Asking him to come with me to claim condoms would be like asking a tiger for its skin.

Forget it. I pulled out two thousand yuan from a drawer. I couldn’t remember which wife always stashed money in my drawer, but it saved me a trip to the ATM. When I get there, whoever claims a box of condoms gets twenty yuan. Let’s see if that tempts them. Others use money to make ghosts push millstones; I'm using money to make men and women claim condoms.

I rushed to the dorm by taxi. Da Shuiniu and Little Grasshopper were still sound asleep, looking like they stayed up late again last night, probably watching A-videos or playing games. I pulled the thin blanket off and dragged them up.

"Good news, good news! Free condoms are being handed out at the small plaza in front of the apartment building today! Come with me to claim them!"

They both snorted and flopped back down.

"Little White Dragon, are you crazy? Who would be embarrassed enough to go claim them? Isn't that just announcing to all the girls that you already have sexual experience?"

I told them, "What’s there to hide? So what if we have sexual experience? Having experience means we’re grown up, mature, real men!"

Chen Chao chimed in, "That’s right. Among us in this room, only Little White Dragon is a real man. Hurry up and go claim them before they’re all gone and you have to pay for them."

What good is it if I go alone?

"No way, you two have to claim a box too, or we won't be brothers anymore! Whoever goes, I’ll give them fifty yuan!"

The two jumped off the bed immediately. "Really! We’ll go! We were just worrying about not having money for food. Little White Dragon, you’re truly sending charcoal in snowy weather!"

I sighed and pulled out a hundred-yuan bill, placing it on the table. "You guys are ruthless. Alright, stick with me and be our condom tuo. This money is yours."

As they walked into the bathroom, they replied, "No problem, it’s our duty. We’re good brothers."

Xu Hu came out of the bathroom holding his toothbrush. "White Dragon, hurry up and turn on the computer and check the forum. You’ve become the Mojinhua (Gold Flower) Butt Expert! The forum was packed last night. Little Grasshopper and I changed IDs twenty times to argue with people and clear your name, but the moderators banned us all."

While the two were taking care of their personal hygiene, I turned on my computer and logged onto the internet. The first thing I saw upon entering the forum were several trending posts:

"Perverted **-Devil strikes again"

"Issuing a challenge to the **-Devil's Claw"

"Rectify campus decorum, severely punish the Butt-Touching Devil"

"A brief account of Longteng University's Gold Flower Butt Killer, Zhao Qianyi Er" (Fastest updates at http://wa p.1 6k.c n) ……

I clicked on the one with pictures and gasped. Wow, another secretly taken photo of someone being groped, and the male lead was, of course, me. The female lead this time wasn't Zhou Ni, but the devastatingly seductive enchantress Ouyang Qian!

Seeing the surroundings in the picture, I immediately understood the cause of the situation. After lunch yesterday, Ouyang Qian and the other two went shopping. She returned midway to chat with me near the rockery on campus for a few sentences. Naturally, I took the opportunity to pat her a few times. At the time, the rockery provided cover, so no one saw us. But as we parted ways, we stepped out from behind the rockery, and I casually slapped Ouyang Qian's behind. Unexpectedly, a paparazzi caught the shot. They truly are omnipresent!

This butt-groping picture was much more provocative than the one with Zhou Ni. Zhou Ni’s clothes were conservative, but Ouyang Qian was different. Her skimpy little tank dress barely concealed her mounds, half of her snow-white shoulder was exposed, and the hemline was so short that her underwear was almost visible when I touched her.

Anyone seeing this picture would have trouble controlling their ** because Ouyang Qian was just too seductive and wanton, and my hand was too bold and lewd. Everyone probably thought, How amazing would it feel if I were the one patting her butt right then?

Looking at the replies confirmed it; curses were flying everywhere. Someone even gave the photo a stylish nickname:

"When the Enchantress Meets the Perverted **-Devil…"

Amidst the abuse, I also saw many IDs arguing in my defense, attacking those who were being particularly vicious. The two sides argued until the reply count reached its limit, then started new threads to fight again. It was clear the battle last night had been fierce.

The two finished cleaning up in the bathroom and emerged. They said to me, "Little White Dragon, oh Little White Dragon, I never thought a top-tier temptress like Ouyang Qian would fall into your hands. Your title as the 'Girl-Charming Expert' is well-deserved!"

I joked back, "Forget the girl-charming expert. From now on, call me the Butt-Patting Expert."

Chen Chao agreed, "That’s more fitting. Calling you the Butt-Patting Expert better reflects your talent for seducing girls. You specialize in killing the butts of the Gold Flowers. I guarantee Fang Yanmeng has let you touch hers long ago. You don't spare the old or new Gold Flowers. Let’s go; for fifty yuan, we two old faces are going all out today."